


Funny Business

by lacemonster



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, Pseudo-Incest, Shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 09:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15240588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacemonster/pseuds/lacemonster
Summary: Down at the shipping yard, Dick and Jason discuss the night's plans for their foursome.





	Funny Business

**Author's Note:**

> This fic doesn't work unless you're okay with some fucky humor about batfam shipping. If you don't ship batfam, I would not recommend this fic.
> 
> This fic is unoriginal and dumb but I needed to get it out. Hopefully, someone out there will like this. lol.

Dick Grayson patiently waited at the shipping yard overlooking Gotham Bay, boots swinging over the edge of the cargo he was perched on. The city reflected in the waters, Gotham’s nightlife shimmering in its lights. In the distance, he heard sirens, and even though his fingers twitched, he willed himself to stay still. Best to handle the supervillains and leave GCPD with the rest of the city.

Dick reached a finger to his temple, resting on the edges of his mask, and clicked a button. The lenses of his mask switched to different settings, eventually revealing the time. They were late. It was to be expected, of course, which is part of the reason why he gave them the wrong time—but they were late at being late and _that_ was a problem.

He never heard the footsteps—that was the wonder of stealth training—but one of the planks made a gentle creak.

“You’re late. I’m surprised, Red Robin, you’re usually—”Dick stopped when he looked over. He raised a brow, lifting the Nightwing mask with it. “Oh, wow, _that_ is a surprise.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’ve arrived before Red Robin plenty of times,” Jason said. Dick could feel his glare underneath the hood. Jason leaned up against the cargo, his gaze following Dick’s out into the bay. “I’m guessing I’m the first to arrive.”

“Yeah, I was just about to call all of you. If we want to work on this case tonight, then the team needs to get here faster.” Dick glanced down at the top of Jason’s helmet. “What delayed you?”

“I’ve been working on tracking down a suspect. Donna and the new Flash took over the case so I could be here.”

Dick frowned, feeling puzzled. This was the first he heard of this.

“Wait. You’re… partnering up with Wally and Donna?”

“Yeah,” Jason said, tilting his head up at Dick. His voice lowering, almost challenging, he said, “Do you have a problem with that?”

Dick bristled defensively. He supposed he might have come off as rude but he was shocked by this news. If any of the Titans were working with Jason, he thought for sure that _someone_ would have at least mentioned something.

“Well, I mean. I guess you and Donna have met before. But Wally was always sort of _my_ partner.” Dick shrugged his shoulders a little higher, feeling painfully aware of how possessive he must have sounded. “Plus. I don’t know. I guess I just sort of thought that, after Arsenal and Starfire, you found your _own_ partners.”

Jason pushed himself off the cargo and paced away, the better to look face-to-face with Dick. Jason shrugged his shoulders.

“Nightwing, I was dead. I didn’t exactly have a lot of time to find partners while I was _dead_. I think I earned the right to team up with whoever I want.”

Honestly, Dick felt like Jason brought up the ‘being dead’ thing whenever it was convenient for him. But Dick didn’t dare to say that. He drew up his knees, looking over Jason’s head.

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s true.”

“Besides, I’ve been stepping up my game. You turn around any corner of Gotham and I’m there. When I’m not pulling Batman’s head out of his ass, I’m fighting off guys like Black Mask and Deathstroke."

“Deathstroke?” Dick said, eyes flickering back at Jason. “Why are _you_ fighting Deathstroke? What does he want with you?”

“It’s not like he spends all of his time harassing teenagers. Anyways, the point is, I’ve worked hard over the past few years. Why shouldn’t I have a few partners?” Jason waved a dismissive hand. “God, it’s not like you _own_ every single partner you’ve ever worked with. People are allowed to team up with other people! Hell, if you ask me, I think Arsenal and I made a better team than you two did.”

Now, Dick was pissed off.

“I've known Arsenal since he went by ‘Speedy’. You can't erase our history together just because you two ran off together a couple of times. Besides, the Arsenal you worked with is nothing like the Arsenal I worked with. The guy _I_ knew made mistakes but he didn't do dumb things that hurt people.”

“You can’t keep living in the past. Face it: Arsenal, Starfire, and I were a team. Besides, if I remember correctly, you teamed up with Starfire just awhile back. You had the chance to make amends and you didn’t. That's on you, not me.”

“That was… complicated. I was in Spyral. I was more worried about making Helena happy.”

“Sounds to me like you don't even know who your allies are these days.”

Well… Jason wasn't exactly _wrong_. But that didn’t mean Dick had to be happy about it. With perfect timing, Tim started to buzz in on his commlink. Dick quickly answered it, wanting to escape the conversation.

“Hey, Nightwing,” Tim said, sounding tired. Dick sat up straight, sensing something wrong in his tone.

“Hey, Red Robin. Everything okay?” Dick said, voice gentle. Jason stopped pacing, glancing up at Dick curiously.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, I just—I had a lot of things to do today. First I was with my team, then I was with Spoiler for a bit, and then Ra’s got involved for some reason and I—I don’t know, it was all crazy. I’m just calling to tell you that I’m probably not going to be able to make it.”

“Hey, it’s cool. I know what it’s like to have a lot of people demanding your attention at once.”

“Yeah, sometimes I really miss when it was just you, me, and Bruce.”

“Yeah,” Dick said, hanging his head a little. “Me too.”

“I really do want to see you—and Red Hood too,” Tim said, sounding earnest. He gave a long and heavy sigh. “I feel like ever since the whole _fake dying_ thing, I haven’t had a chance to catch up with everyone. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.”

“No, no. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you going to be okay with just Red Hood and Robin?” Tim said, now sounding cautious. “I know you and Robin get along but I feel like with Red Hood there—”

“I’m serious, everything is fine. I can’t just keep throwing you in between me and Red Hood.”

“I don’t mind. Red Hood and I always seem to end up on the same team. But hey, I guess this way, you don’t have to deal with me and Robin at each other’s throats.”

“But that’s what makes it fun,” Dick said, smiling to himself. “Seriously, I can handle them. Everything here is under control. You just take care of yourself.”

“I never liked flying solo. But it’s whatever—I’ll see you around, Nightwing.”

The commlink cut out. Jason tilted his head at Dick expectantly.

“He can’t make it,” Dick said, his words like a confession.

“We should probably get going then,” Jason said. Dick’s heart lurched when he saw Jason was starting to move out. Dick quickly hopped off the cargo, cutting off his path.

“Whoa, wait a minute. What about Robin?”

“What _about_ Robin?”

“He’s still on his way.”

“Why'd you invite Robin?”

“Why not?” Dick said, feeling defensive. “We've been partners for a long time.” To further his point, Dick added, “I’m closer to him than I am with you. Why wouldn’t I invite him?”

“Because he’s a kid,” Jason said, his voice flat.

“So were we,” Dick said, crossing his arms.

“Yeah, and it was weird then, too. Kids don’t belong out on the field. You ask me, it’s disgusting, and you’re sick for even suggesting it.”

“You team up with Red Robin! Technically, he’s a kid too.”

“I mean, but that’s different. It’s a _little_ weird but it’s not _as_ weird because we’re closer in age.” Dick flashed him a look. Jason raised his hands in defense. “You can spin it however you want, bud, but you cannot deny that Robin is a kid. There is no gray area there.”

“I still think it’s hypocritical.”

“Plus, you bring in Robin, and you have that weird element of teaming up with Batman’s son. That’s just kind of fucky,” Jason said, continuing to ramble. “And yet, you’re like his weird surrogate father. I don’t want him calling you ‘dad’ in the middle of things.”

“He has never once called me ‘dad’. He doesn’t even call Batman ‘dad’.”

“I don’t want to think about him and Batman!” Jason said. Calming his voice, he said, “At the end of the day, I would be okay with teaming up with you and Red Robin. But Red Robin’s not gonna make it. So if all we’re doing is waiting on Robin, I’m gonna propose we just leave right now.”

“I’m calling him,” Dick said, insistent. He turned away, ignoring Jason’s huff, and made a call on the commlink. It buzzed a few times before a stiff voice picked it up.

“Nightwing. What do you need?”

“Hey, Robin, where are you?”

“I’m with Superboy.”

With Superboy? “Oh, are you not in Gotham? I thought we were going to meet at our usual patrol spot.”

“We haven’t met there in weeks.” After a moment, Damian said, “Do you need my help? I think Father would prefer if I was with Superboy but I suppose you are hopeless without me—”

“Oh, are you talking to other Bat people?” a sudden chipper voice said in the background. Dick blinked. The voice grew louder, talking directly into the commlink. “What’s wrong? Trouble in Gotham? I could fly us over!”

“No, _imbecile_ ,” Damian suddenly spat. The commlink started to static, a sign of too much movement. “Why would I take _you_ with me to Gotham? You’re not one of us!”

“So? My dad teams up with your dad all the time! Supers and Bats work great together!”

“Hey, Robin, it’s fine. I didn’t realize you were with your friend. You go back to doing what you were doing.”

“Yes, well. You and I were a good team—but you were also my only real partner at the time. Just assume I’m always going to be with Superboy from now on.”

“What about the Teen Titans?”

“ _Eh_.”

“Alright, I’ll try to catch you at a different time. Hey, maybe you could even bring Superboy with.”

“Wouldn’t it be weird to bring a child with us?” Damian said.

“Well, not if you’re already there—I… nevermind,” Dick said. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You two kids have fun.”

“ _I_ am not a—”

Dick hung up. Reluctantly, he turned back to Jason.

“Do you see how much time you’ve wasted? We could have just tackled this alone,” Jason said.

Dick sighed heavily.

“I… I don’t know. I don’t feel like it was a waste. I _like_ the team. I feel we all work _better_ as a team. Sure, we have our differences and, yeah, one of us is a kid. But when we set aside all of the arguments and the ‘who’s going to partner up with who’ nonsense, we’re much more powerful when we’re together. Together, we become this—this… I don’t know, one massive _pile_ of kickass—”

“That’s okay _once_ in awhile. But when you form a giant team over and over again, it gets tedious and predictable. We can’t just tackle every single mission as a team! Sooner or later, we have to move into pairs. Having Red Robin, Robin, maybe Signal or Batman, is _nice_ —but we don’t _need_ to have them. You and I can handle this mission on our own. In fact, it makes the most sense if _we_ do it together. We’re young—but not too young—and we’re healthy, strong, and we got that good-cop/bad-cop thing going on.”

“Yeah, but does that _actually_ work? Whenever you watch movies, that good-cop/bad-cop thing _looks_ good but in actual practice, it’s a bad idea.”

“Look, I’m just basing my argument off of the feedback I got from the girls. They all say we make a good team.”

“Where are the girls?” Dick said in a wondering tone. He had almost completely forgotten about them.

“I don’t know. Holding hands or braiding each other’s hair—they’re not doing what we’re about to do, that’s for sure. So come on, Nightwing. Are we partners or not?”

Dick scrubbed his face with his hands.

“Okay, fine. You and I will team up. But if we’re going to be partners, we have to actually work together. If I tell you to jump, you jump. If I go high, you go low!”

“Well, why would I go low? I’m taller than you.”

Dick glared at him.

“Okay, fine! I go low! Honestly, I don’t really care either way.”

“Also, I have one condition: Batman has to be there.”

Jason’s shoulders fell.

“Are you fucking kidding me? What did I just say about being predictable?”

“I just really think we work better as a threesome.” Jason shook his head to himself. Dick sighed. “Hood, please. I would feel _much_ more comfortable if Batman was there.”

“Well, of course you want Batman to be there! You want the opportunity to gang up on me the minute I do something wrong!” Jason said. They looked each other down for a moment. Jason relented. “Okay, fine. Batman can _watch_. But I don’t want to interact with him at all.”

“Deal.”

They started to walk towards the city. Dick rubbed the back of his neck.

“Also, one more thing… can you not partner up with Wally anymore? It just doesn’t really make sense.”

Jason gave a long sigh.

“Nightwing, if all your partners were off limits, there’d be _no one_ left for me to team up with.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](https://lacemonsterbats.tumblr.com/)   
>  [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/lacemonsterbats)


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